Things heard on boats

We get on them frantically, we jump off them reluctantly. We nod wisely at their pitch and their yaw. We caress our hands lovingly along their flanks, and we inhale their oily breath as we backstroke through the sky. Here’s what you dabblers and paddlers in this mystic salt have been chatting about on board the humble boat.

I don’t know of a better tribute paid to the humble boat than John Steinbeck’s classic description in his Log from the Sea of Cortez:

“Man, building this greatest and most personal of all tools, has in turn received a boat-shaped mind, and the boat, a man-shaped soul.” Read the rest of the chapter, but still.

So, here are some boat-shaped quotes overheard … (excuse the salty seadog language):

“Oh, s**t, we’re heading for Strandfontein!” – On a boat with Peter Bales and Daantjie, skippering Carina Bruwer across False Bay. Peter says that heavy fog descended and Daantjie managed to turn the boat in the wrong direction, away from Millers Point. It was a momentary aberration that cost Carina a good half hour. “Daantjie muttered and mumbled, but we never got to the bottom of why this very experienced skipper lost his way, even with a GPS on board!” Peter says.

“For f**k’s sake, just get in the water!” – Ram Barkai to an ever-dawdling Andrew Chin. – Heard more than once!

“Anyone want to swap a bottle of vodka for a roll of toilet paper?” – UK Ice Ambassador Jackie Cobell, aboard the Russian Navy ship Irtysh, on the Bering Straits.

“The problem with couples is when one of them doesn’t have a hobby, and the other one does, so then she comes to depend on me for her entertainment. So I bought her a sewing machine! And now I can’t get her away from the thing. She’s making scrunchies, knitwear, selling them for, say, R100 for four. And I’m away, 60km in a straight line from Cape Point, fishing for yellowfin tuna, lifting 30kg fish all day long!” – Skipper Dillon

“I’m stopping now to let those boats pass, as I can never remember the rules of the ocean – who has right of way again?” – Skipper Anton.

Skipper to the swimmers, as a 15cm long stream of water suddenly starts gushing into the front of the boat. “Do you want me to patch that?”

“Does he often do that?” – Skipper to the passengers as Dave W. hurls himself overboard before the boat reaches s hore at Buffels Bay. “Course he does, it’s Dave!”